Blackotter  ::  Journal

2005-07-05 11:49:00
Ya know I should trust my instincts and when they offer Chinese 
food in the cafeteria, stay away. But I was sooo hungry and I didn't have dinner last night 
and I had a little to much wine after the fireworks so I was starving. Now I'm still hungry 
and feeling nauseous. Ug."

2005-07-05 16:26:00
wow.

emotions are a wonderful thing.

here I am sitting at my desk listening to k.d. lang's Invincible Summer album (which is freakin 
fantastic) and on the verge of tears. I know you're all thinking Brett cries all the time get over 
it. :) But I'm gonna tell you anyway. Maybe this will be too personal, who knows. I probably 
shouldn't write in the state. :) And I don't mean Maryland.

Anyway this day began with an email from my ex Jack. I guess there should have been a 
comma in there. Oh well. And it said that he was moving to SF to be with friends and where 
people would be able to take care of him. I can't think of a better place for him to be -and 
the tears fall- but he left without saying farewell in person. Again I can understand his 
position but man it really hurts. Even if I would have been able to give a farewell hug for 
I seriously doubt I will ever see him again. So many unanswered questions. Holy crap 
I'm a drama queen. In other news Ky is wonderful and making me very happy. Rarely have 
I been so all over content and free and open. Its really refreshing.

I feel like I am having a personal new years.

Back to work. ug."

2005-07-06 11:22:00
people suck, and here's why:

coming home last night there were two lanes closed on the beltway. I was in the far right lane 
since I was getting off soon and even though there were signs a mile in advance, blinking 
yellow arrows and big orange cones, people were still surprised that their lane was ending. 
Can they not read? So people were hitting the brakes hard, cutting in front of people at 
the last minute and creating havoc. Then going down the Clara Barton exit off the beltway, 
the two lanes become one. It says way in advance to merge left yet this car in front of me 
never moved over until the lane ended and they had no choice. Why?

dumb people.

i'm actually in a good mood, this post is left over from last night
2005-07-06 12:04:00
So i slept with a girl last night.

Well it was my dog.

And no, you sickos, nothing happened. Sheesh.

But the thunder scares my dog to death and so as I was trying to get ready for bed, she 
was literally at my feet no matter where I went. And when i got into bed, she wanted to 
get into bed as well. It was so cute. Would have been cuter if she weren't a 90 lb 
Golden retriever. Is she that big? i have no idea. Big dog. At one point I had my arm 
under her head and she was sleeping on my arm. My god it was so cute. She was 
there next to me, taking up most of the bed, well into the night. At around 4 i think she 
got down but it was so cute. My bed is now covered in dog hair though.

2005-07-06 16:12:00
hot

it's so hot in my office my nipples are sweating. but it's not the all over hot, its like pockets 
of body hottness.

And apparently it's getting to my brain because it now sounds like i'm having hot flashes. 
And i'm not.

I also can't seem to walk so that one side of my shoes doesn't get worn down. I really 
hate when the outside of my shoes gets worn down more than they rest of the shoe.
Drives me crazy.

snog

2005-07-07 13:28:00
I'm in a really odd mood today. I think some of it has to do with the constant CNN 
coverage we have in the office and all the information on the London attacks. The 
good thing is that I am able to relax and get some work done and veg in my iPod but 
there is a stupid amount of dumb chatting about nothing that breaks me out of my work
 induced haze. I hate that. I get on a roll and then then the coworkers bug me. Right 
now there is one standing right next to me and I am pretending to be on the phone so 
he won't talk to me. He ignores the office rule about not bothering me while I have 
head phones on.

Had a wonderful dinner with Jen last night. So much catching up done and more to do.
 YAY

2005-07-07 14:16:00
big YAY to for Tom Cruise is Nuts. That is a laugh i really needed. hehehe

2005-07-08 12:00:00
I love thinkgeek.com



2005-07-08 12:43:00
Yes.

But NO SPRINKLES. For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you...

2005-07-11 10:38:00
Good weekend. Spent most of sunday watching Bewitched on DVD. I am SO 
going to be Endora for Halloween. Anges Moorehead is awesome. That is all.

2005-07-11 13:22:00
ah, the day statred out so nicely.

i got to sit at my computers and listen to my iPod and actually get some work done. 
Then it all happened. The test procedures I was working on were FUBAR and in 
no way passed like they said they did. So now I have to test the rest of the CRs 
and make changes and that just adds a lot of time and retesting and just blarg.

Then I get a phone call asking for something that it takes me ten minutes to understand. 
I finally get what the little shit is saying and think that that's easy. But no, it's not. The 
system that I have to use doesn't have the component that I need. Sybase don't have 
the time, rightly as they are so understaffed, to put it on. But in the discovery of all 
this I was told that I have a shitload more work to do. And soon. All this is good 
because I do like to work but this is getting recockulous.

And there is more. i need to finish my salad and try to relax.

2005-07-11 23:58:00
from this British site i like to visit:



2005-07-12 14:17:00
coworkers are getting to be a pain in the ass. being a good boy I can't spill why 
they are such fucking head up their arse retards but they are. Everything is getting 
fubar by the minute. But next week I am in charge. Yes I rule the roost so no 
one best piss me off.

*15 minutes passes....*

So i just totally yelled at a coworker. But i was in the power position and he was 
saying that this one particular thing wasn't his job and this and that....and so i said, 
you're right it's not your job, it's mine. I will take the heat for this, I will make the 
final decision and it all boils down to me, yet he still jumped to this insane conclusion 
and so i lost it. I believe 'shut the fuck up' was a term I used.

*5 minutes passes...*

we made up. i'm still angry but talked about it a little in a laughing tone 
and crap like that. Being a nice guy sucks.

2005-07-12 14:18:00
IMPORTANT

Does anyone have a balloon pump? I have a clown in my play and he needs 
to inflate a balloon and we need a balloon pump.

thanks

2005-07-13 08:20:00
I've been here 9 minutes and 37 seconds and I have already raised my voice. 
This is going to be a long day.

2005-07-13 08:27:00
For the record, Baja Fresh has to be the most god aweful fast food ever. Before 
rehearsal last night I needed coffee and there was a baja fresh next to Starbucks. 
I honestly almost didn't finish my food it was so bad. The meat was dry, the 
tortillas were cold and doughy, and they don't even put the Guac on the tacos. 
And this isn't the first time it's been this way. Each time I go there and think, 
maybe this time it will be good, it sucks.

Thats all. Good thing i'm not on the road.

2005-07-13 08:58:00
WARNING: Offensive Material spoken out of mother fucking rage

someone better get me a valium because if i get anymore like a ghetto black chick, 
i'm gonna snap my own neck

So last night i'm looking at my student loan account and I see that the information 
listed there isn't mine. I have not and never would live in Fresno, CA. Never the 
less I was worried but the "customer service" i.e. Slurpee Dept was closed. So I 
called them just  now and I was sent right to 7-11... er india. Now this whole 
outsource to India shit gets me more riled up than a bag of rattlesnakes and especially 
since everytime I talk to one of 'them', they are instantly beligerant and this guy was 
no different. I explained to him what was up but it was all my fault or something. 
Then he's like well, we'll contact you when we research. I was like Do you have 
my information since it's no longer on the account? and he was like...*pause was 
he chewed beef jerkey* hold on. Then they have this fucking 105.9 wailing shit 
eating sax which i can't stand. The he comes on and asks for my info and then 
practically tosses me off the line. I was SO pissed. Still angry. I think I've given 
myself a headache. Ow."

2005-07-13 13:29:00
repost of my AIDSWalk begging post
AIDSWalk
                                                     
Hi all.

Well
it's that time for me again. I am collecting money for AIDSWalk DC. The
walk isn't until October but I have set my goal rather high and will
need to spend the time getting at least $2000.

History: As a
bi/gay man, AIDS is always a scare and always on my mind. Like many I
always thought that it was something outside the world I lived in. I
was wrong. Last August while I was dating my boyfriend, we found out
that he was HIV positive. I honestly can't think of anything more
devestating in my life. Since that time and the scare of was I or
wasn't I, I'm still negative, I have become crazed about HIV and
prevention and taking care of those that are sick. So, with that, I ask
that you donate to the cause because the effects of HIV hit everyone.

CLICK HERE to donate at my AIDSWalk website.

I thank you.

I will be sending out some kind of reminder and a somewhat regular basis till the walk.

Brett

2005-07-14 09:42:00
ok, i have been the official acting program manager for about an hour and already 
there are people calling me from god knows where and questions that I have no 
idea how to answer. yay FUN

2005-07-14 11:07:00
i miss my gmail. please come back soon.

I thought about tagging my entries but since they break down into 'bitching' and 
'poop', i figured it was pretty pointess."

2005-07-14 11:29:00
do
do do
do do  do do  do do
do
do do
do do  do do  do do

it in my head and wont do away!

2005-07-15 11:02:00
I need sleep and I need time to relax. I have so much crap to do at home and 
I never seem to have any time to do it. Rehearsal every night this week, play 
this weekend, taking work home.... Not even time for a beer.

Turned down a lead role in A Man For All Seasons. Not sure why.

Feeling fat and yet had 2 pieces of cake.

Can't wait for HP-HBP to come out tomorrow. Amazon promised it would be at
 my house before 10.

This weather is killing me.  Sweaty nipples and a trail of sweat down my ass crack 
is NOT the way I want to feel as I walk into the office.

More people i know are going to New York. At this stage in my delirium I can't 
remember who, but I still would love to live there. I want a country house and a 
city house and horses and a big lake that I can skinny dip in whenever I want and 
be able to get Chinese food at 3 am after an intense rehearsal for my next play 
off-broadway and stop by Cafe Mozart on 71st and Broadway and get some 
coffee and a bagel early in the morning and watch the city wake up and sit under 
the stars and actually see them with out the light pollution and just sit and listen to 
the silence. I need to be cloned. (No stress allowed Ky. :) )

I need more coffee.

2005-07-15 12:02:00
listening to the Incredibles soundtrack, cause i had to have it and i am a soundtrack 
whore anyway, but now I really want to take over the world. I want to slink around 
the halls of my office and pretend to be a spy.

But then again, that  may get me shot...

2005-07-18 10:07:00
Week one down. yay.

I am so freaking pissed I am only 13 pages into Harry potter. I should be done 
by now. lol  

The first weekend of the Summer Samplers is over. Yay. Overall it went really 
well. Our play is the 'happy ending' of the three shows in this first half of the 
program. Overal it's an interesting set of pieces. The first one is a little weak in 
the plot but has some really good performances. The second one is a probably 
my favorite, and not because Kelley and Kevin are in it, but the story is intriguing 
and dark and the performances are great. My play is fun. It's nice when the cast 
clicks as well as we do and it is so much fun to be on stage.

Saturday I waiting for my HP book to arrive and it did but i was in the middle of 
something and had no chance to read. Sunday I woke to a knock on the door 
and it was Ky. Saw his new car and then we went shopping and I spent an 
OBSCENE amount of money on sheets. And a Ted Baker shirt. Mmmmmmm 
ted baker.

And it's monday and my day is already packed.

2005-07-18 16:23:00
How you doing there big guy? You want a sooooda?

My harry potter is talking to me. (wow that sounds dirty) I want to read more. I
 read a little bit at lunch before my coworker came in and I wanted to kill him, 
AGAIN. I have zero tolerance for incompetence. Oh well, i'm on 68 and addicted. 
If I hard more time to breathe at work i'd slip a few pages in at my desk but i'm 
on a call now, boring, and working.

I think i have reached a new level of tiredness. I even got tired at the mall 
yesterday shopping with Ky. That can't be a good thing. I used to be able 
to shop all day. I still think that the malls here are way too small. We need 
more stores. I still want to trek to Mall of America. Just because. I really 
dont think I'm going to relax till ... august.

I got nothing. I just needed to breathe in something other than work.

penis, penis, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina.

2005-07-18 16:33:00
thank you Jeff for getting me back into Security by Peter Gabriel and 
The Rhythm of the Heat. The whole album is so good and I am glad to 
have it replaced.

course since it's such a good album to play loud, i am going more deaf 
with every second ticking away on my iPod."

2005-07-19 09:06:00
Over-dramatic image of the day!


Life
 |
 |
 |
 |
Poop
 |
 |
 |
 |
Me

2005-07-20 11:57:00
Just a quickie

I am asking people that still use bewilder@concentric.net to contact me via email to use 
one of my other 15, dear god, email address. I am getting junk mail in the hundreds of 
thousands and it's stupid.

If you dont have a different way to contact me, reply here and i will find you.

Brett

2005-07-20 12:19:00
well i just had to turn down my second play. turned down Man for all Seasons 
at Cedar Lane and now Man who can to Dinner at Rockville. Both choice parts, 
especially the Rockville one and I have also never 
acted there.

2005-07-20 14:33:00
< music > if i had a hammer... < music >

i'd beat your fucking skull in.

Happy Workday Everyone! 


weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2005-07-21 16:18:00
I would like at this moment to be in Scotland. A picnic blanket layed out with 
fresh fruit and sandwiches, chai tea in one canister and strong black coffee in 
another. The air is cool but not so much that we are cold. Barefoot, I lay on the 
blanket, his head on my lap, my hand stroking his hair. Silently we occupy the 
present and ignore time and place. His breathing is rhythmic and calming. The 
tall grass lazily waves back and forth. Far off in the distance a church stands 
proud and regal and surrounded by tents and cars and balloons. Invisible spirits 
smile down on the girl and her fifth birthday. On the street the girl lives, a willing 
and ready elderly man, surrounded by his family, passes. Down the road a tired 
and hungry back packer is picked up by a car and driven to the next town and 
shares dinner with his driver. In the skies above them a man removes one of his 
ear phones and says 'Bless you' to a fellow traveler.

I dont know what this means.

2005-07-22 14:36:00
fun night at Nation last night. it's always fun going there and hanging out with everyone.

again i need to remember that if i'm going out, I have to eat dinner. damn headache 
is killing me today. ug

2005-07-24 12:00:00
500 dollar!
500 dollar!

Just watched Bubble Boy and loved it. Why do really stupid movies like that really 
make me laugh.

and I oranized my sock drawer.

2005-07-25 09:13:00
Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at Cedar Lane. I think last night 
was the best show for all of us. It was nice to look out and see everyone out there
 in the audience.

I am so tired today that it hurts. I want nothing more than to relax and sleep but this 
week is going to be hell as I try and get my 'actors' into shape. I feel sorry for them 
because I am in no mood for their shit.

Brett no function beer well without.

2005-07-25 11:23:00
From Ky.

Dear Brett, Please post this section of a Matthew Arnold poem that
reminds me of everyone's brilliance lsat night (well, not the first
play).

"There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us-to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
Andy many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas!  none ever mines. . .
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves--
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on forever unexpressed.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well-but 'tis not true!
. . . Yest still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul's subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day."  by Matthew Arnold

The
last two plays truly brought the audience an opportunity through both
tragedy and comedy a look, inward, into the subterranean depths. Thank
you for the ride, everyone.

I enjoyed meeting all of Brett's comrades last night. Standing silently, shy, I 
smiled inward at the quirky, passionate troupe of which he has become a 
part. I look forward to seeing you all once again on stage and off.

2005-07-26 08:32:00
For the day I will be known as:

Turd Fergeson.

That is all.

2005-07-26 08:35:00
Right after I hit the send button I realized I have more to say. Arg.

So I finally finished the damn Harry Potter book. If I had had a little more free time I 
wouldn't have had to resort to sneaking a few pages at work and before I drift off to 
sleep. But man was it good. Yes I did get all weepy. I'm a pussy I know. I shan't say 
anything and ruin the surprise. But this waiting two fucking years for the next book is 
going to drive me batty. And we all know it's a very short drive.

2005-07-26 09:24:00
ow.

So i'm sitting here on a telecon and reading live journal (honestly I have no idea what they 
are bitching about)  when all the balls in my head (insert joke here) suddenly lined up and 
I had a pretty clear indication of all the crap that is going on in my life and I swear that I 
had a chest pain at all this. The plays are working me to death, work is playing me death, 
I need to find a place to live, family, more family, ex's, friends, bf's, future, bills, who the 
hell Dale Cadell is and why the fuck he's on my student loan account, my flat tires...i can 
go on. It's not all bad stuff but even the good stuff gets weighty.

ow. it happened agiain.

And it's really confusing to have people yapping in one ear, Josh Groban in the other and 
typing at the same time.

Multi-tasking to the extreme!!!!!!


Oh man, this is the song that I was listening to when I was walking down the metro steps in Paris, 
walking along that tree lined street and first saw the eiffel tower. Man i was silently sobbing when 
saw I that.  I had 'You're Still You" on my iPod, feet hurting so bad from walking that I wanted to 
stop, freezing my butt off, and crying. Then I got to the top of the tower and was there for like 3 
hours. Watching the sun set, smiling at the loving couples hug and kiss at the top, roudy kids 
running around, all the lights of the city that looked like night stars below the wonderfully purple 
sky. I have photos on my website. I think i'm relaxed a little. sigh

2005-07-26 14:28:00
Joss Whedon now in baby doll tee!

http://www.thinkgeek.com/pvp/swag/789d/zoom/

2005-07-26 16:45:00
no more,"waiting for these damn queries are making me journalize. sorry.

aforementioned purple paris picture.



2005-07-27 09:36:00
I am prepping to go to the DMV. I WILL make it in one trip. They will not fuck with 
my head.

ug

2005-07-27 15:38:00
Why oh why is "How was your weekend Mavis?" in my head?

kill me

2005-07-28 11:38:00
Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I think too much. This wouldn't 
be a problem if I were contemplating something important and life saving but 
instead I tend to get stuck in this field stream of dreams. I think it's rather hard 
to describe but certain things will just send me into the grinning idiot phase. I 
am listening to the new Jason Mraz album and a certain something about one 
of the songs made me think of yesterday. I took yesterday off of work to get 
stuff done. Transferred my grandfather's car into my name and have made the 
final preparations to bid farewell to my beloved Jetta. The other thing I had to 
do was prop shopping. I poked around Target and found these great fake  
faux flowers which add a nice touch to the very small set I have. I am a firm 
believer that the actor should be the scene whenever possible and in the very 
limited surroundings we have I want them to be the center; so the set can easily 
be called sparse. And it's less crap work for me to do while I whip my actors 
and 'actors' in shape. Where was I going with this? Tangent man strikes again. 
Oh yeah, so I needed some odd stuff and went to Value Village in lovely (sic) 
Laurel MD. I walked in all excited about trying to find all these props cheap 
and I was struck with the thought that I am looking for cheap shit for my play 
and there were plenty of people there who were shopping for things to wear 
and not just as a "i got this in a thrift shop" tossaway. It's a little bit of placement 
since not everyone has a Bloomingdales credit card, loves with a sick cock 
hardening fashion the words "Hugo Boss" and "Ted Baker", and is just a little 
better off than the next guy.

But I did find the most awesome prop ever. Its a coffee pot warmer. It's this 
pyrex pitcher and a stand that holds a candle or something. It FrEaKin rocks.

I am also getting more confident in the plays. Rainbow Sprinkles is a riot and the 
other one is getting there. I have a weak point that will get there with more 
experience on his part but it's just not there yet.

My throat hurts. It just started. I better not be getting sick.

2005-07-28 13:02:00
i am sucker for theories. Here is one about Harry Potter and the Half Blood 
Prince. It's behind a cut tag since the name alone give away A LOT about the book. 
Fun reading tho.

http://www.dumbledoreisnotdead.com

2005-07-29 12:11:00
I was avoiding this stupid test for the longest time and now i'm not sure I agree with 
it. I think I am much more vulgar than it says.

 

the Cutting Edge (60% dark, 47% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't in and of themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi