Livejournal
2007-04-02 01:04:00
arg
you smile and everything changes
your voice moves my heart to places no longer accesable
your arms intimidate me
your success shames me
around you I feel ugly though you like me
i feel used but allow the pain
i want to hide but i betray myself
i take a step forward but the blackness pulls me back making me feel bad for healing
i take the mental flogging and believe that i deserve more pain
have i forgotten what it is to be happy
i have totally forgotten how to accept the good that just is
i need you more that I am needed
you fit like you should be there always but i can't take the possiblity
i curl alone and wonder if this is that what it should be or the way i make it to be
i love and it hurts
you are one and you are many.
you
you
you
you
you and
you
2007-04-05 11:21:00
i got an email that says I can get a visit from the 'big dick fairy" Thats whats i want to see. HA. fuck you Tinkerbell.
2007-04-09 14:45:00
i haven't much to say really. Usual going to get up and go!' chat about like and the universe and there may be some fish involved. Fish. I need to like sushi. I remember being taken out to sushi with Viki and Jessica once in Baltimore and liking it. That was a fun time.
Easter was a nightmare mish mash of children and lots of talk about how great a religious day it was. blah. The sermon in church was really good but I couldn't help picking out back outfits on the church goers. I was also fricking tired as the night before I woke up at 3:45, 4:45, 5:45, 6:44, and finally 7:45. Exactly every hour for about 5 minutes at a time. Maybe more with tossing and turning involved. No dreams that I can recall except I found a 1945 quarter in one of them. Odd.
Still place hunting. Icky.
Hung out with my friend Will and his partner Stpehen and some of their friends on saturday night. Had a blast. Will and I are going to be putting on all or some part of Rosencrants and Guildenstern over the summer in the back yard for fun. Will is a great new friend and we are prodding each other to do all the things in life we want to do.
Lost almost 10 pounds since going to the gym. Still have 15 more to go to make me Kate Moss...I mean happy. And am getting close to taking off my shirt without cringing. YAY.
Red bull is calling. Go home
2007-04-11 09:02:00
Two advil PM did nothing last night. I still woke up twice.
Had a nice conversation with Ky last night and I am so looking forward to whatever the future has for us. I know there are tough times ahead the next we meet or I go down to meet with regina and wade but I am anxious to be friends. There are few people in life that you know you need to old onto. He is one. Jen is one, my new friend Will is one, and many others. I have been incredibly lucky to have so many nice and kind and wonderful people come into my life and sometimes I feel like a rite bastard for not seeing that fully. Josh, Jacki, Jason, Kelley - so many names come flooding in for people i know and love and am happy to know. Enough sappy crap. Now i feel like a Oscar presenter because I haven't mentioned enough names of people...
I think it's funny that I never get tired of The B-52s. Interesting.
I'm horny. I work with marines who are picture perfect. And there are joggers and guys in shorts and sandals walking around. that is all.
2007-04-18 12:23:00
i hate 'dieting'. well more like eating right. I think it's getting easier to pass the bad foods but the 'good' stuff just is so annoying and not nearly as fun. :)
This past weekend I did my first volunteer for a group called Burgundy Crescent that volunteering for gay and gay-friendly non profit groups. I was a street marshal for the (lack of)Cherry Blossom Parade. I met some of the nicest, cool people and I'm really looking forward to the next event. I put pics up but there are mostly of the parade and fairly boring. They are here.
Taking my first line dancing lesson tonight at Remingtons. Should be ... interesting.
Woke up today and was hyper and sorta happy. Not sure why. I think I actually slept all the night through which is a first in months. That would be a good sign. Not that things aren't crazy but I was talking to a friend about just getting out and living. And my friend Will is pushing me to get over all my crazy insecurities and getting back into the mindset where i used to be free and silly and really didn't give a shit what people thought. I miss that part of me. I think it's on its way back. blah blah blah.
There was something else.... oh well.
2007-04-18 14:39:00
Apparently Dolly Parton's 'The Light of a Clear Blue Morning" is my fav song of the moment as I am on the 5th listen. And I am totally rocking out in my chair too. I'm giving baptist preachers a run for their money!
2007-04-20 14:34:00
I believe that some time in the next half hour my head will explode from being cooped up in the office and not being about to go outside. I have walked about the grounds a few times today and it's harder and harder to come inside. If nothing else I'm very glad that my spring switch has been flipped. I was enjoying the cold weather way too much. But to my annoyance, that switch has a turbo on it and i'm about to jump out my skin. I almost have the shakes i'm itching to be outside, in shorts and running around and looking at other people in shorts running around. That turbo switch has a turbo of it's own that is directly attached to my cock and i'm horny. Course I don't want sex which is an odd thing altogether. I think about sex all the time and what that guys dick looks like and what the girls breasts are like (go fig) but it's more of a body fascination thing than actually wanting to touch them. I'm odd, go fig.
I really, really miss Nation. Last night I was at JRs and then Remington's and it wasn't the same. I had a good time at both but then I got in the car and blasted the new VNV album (pretty good so far) and I miss the feeling and the people and I think I need another trip ("across the washington bridge") to Chronos. Its a nice place but I just want some dark corner where if i want to shimmy to the music I can without being on display.
May have a place to live. Ran into a friend who I havent seen in like 8 years and he just broke up with his partner of 7 years and needs a roommate to keep the house. I hope it works!
2007-04-25 09:03:00
Anyone go to the Loreena McKennitt show last night? I hate to ask but how it was because I financially wasn't able to make it.
Crazy people never think they're crazy. This is my new Mantra courtesy of my friend Will. But what about the time where I'm not thinking that I'm crazy? Does that mean that I am crazy?
2007-04-30 10:54:00
MoFo Weekend!
This weekend was a blast. Saturday I actually slept in a little, did something later on the afternoon that I can only assume it was errands and stuff. If i did anything that I should remember, let me know. lol Saturday night was Danny and Holly's after wedding shin dig. It was a time where being extremely punctual got to be annoying. I got there on time which i knew was going to be early so I spent a lot of time wandering around Gaithersburg. But once there had some awesome catch up time with cats_n_crying and having a blast. I remember when I had that much energy. What an amazing man. Then also had beautiful time with reazik and fiveseconddelay . It was soooo good to hang out them again and have fun. It was also nice to be invited to the party and see Danny get trashed. And kegs. Kegs are just fun. It's been a long time since I pumped one of those and sucked the sweet nectar.
I'll stop right there.
Sunday was the gym, i've lost 3 more pounds. The errands and over to Will and Stephen's house for a rad barbecue. There was so much food and all of it was yummy. At the party was Will and Stephen, Larry and Jenine, Danielle, myself, Ann, and Danny. There were things said that had me laughing my mother fucking ass off. Skiing anyone? How about that Jarvic heart? Ya had to be there but Danielle had me rolling on the floor at times. lol And there was Rory, the golden puppy that never ever seemed to get tired.
The pic is Will jumping the fence with fruitcake in hand. Larry, a chef, cooked the most amazing steak and chicken and the hummus was phenom. Now i'm hungry again. And there was the backrub that made me realize that I have lots of knots in my back and I actually hurt a lot today. I shouldn't go to the gym but i am going to go anyway. :) time to feed the meter."