Blackotter  ::  Journal

February 25, 2002 Hmm, okay so my last entry I think scared some people. Sorry, it was just what I was thinking at the moment and so I had to put it down.

Anyway, we are halfway through the second run of Ellipsis and it is still a fun show. I really like the last place that we played in, Metro Cafe, for the sheer fact that it was a bar and it was smelly and small and great. The Chesapeake Center for the Creative Arts is the 180 from that. It is a true black box theatre and it awesome. The lights and the sound are fantastic and we really have time to have fun with lighting. This past Friday was the first night and a bunch of our friends came and made the night fun. They laughed and had a great time. Two of the old Rude Mechanicals stopped by that night as well and it was a great time at the Double T diner afterwards. John Williams and John Hefner can make you laugh till milk comes out your nose, even if you don't drink milk. Then Saturday was another good night. I think this is the night that we all felt the best about, it just seemed to flow for everyone. We had a little bigger crowd this night that Friday and they laughed at all the right points. I am such a ham for laughter. I love it. Then there was yesterday, Sunday. If you don't know anything about this play, it takes place in hell and so hence off the bat you should think that it's not going to be the best show to see on a Sunday after church. But they said we had to have a Sunday matinee so we did and boy did it not go over well. First off the crowd was all a shade away from death and so all they wanted was something to make their pathetic lives peaceful till the prince of darkness comes to take them away. Or to be fair, they couldn't deal with lesbians, abortion, baby killing, adultery on a Sunday after church. Needless to say they did laugh at all and there was this ancient old couple that talked through the whole thing. They were saying things like, "We can't leave there's no way to leave." And worse. I tried to tune it out and I thought about being nice and I was going to take out the swearing, but I said fuck it and stressed all the words. But the good thing is that there were some people who really liked the show and came out to tell us afterwards. They made it for me. I can forget the rest cause they'll die soon. Also in attendance was my mom and grandfather. I think the subject matter was a little over his head but he liked seeing me on stage and I know he is no prude so he wasn't offended but the dialogue.

And then there is Romeo and Juliet. This is actually coming along rather well. I hated missing most of last week, Monday the school was closed for the holiday, Tuesday I was at a work function and Thursday I had rehearsal. I did stop by after rehearsal for Ellipsis and was there for like an hour checking in on things. Besides this insane, inane drama that is going on by someone who isn't nearly important enough for the drama he is throwing, its going well. I still think our Romeo is awesome. He is just such a natural and when he and Juliet get on stage together, it is magic. I can't wait to get more into it all. And today is the day we are all supposed to be off book so from now on we can really focus on the dialogue and the movement. Its going to be sooo good. Back to work, more soon.

February 15, 2002 Ah me. So I stopped myself from getting all drunk and writing a journal entry rambling on about all that was bothering me. Well, I still got drunk since I was at the club last night for the first time in weeks but by the time I got home and ready for bed I was too tired and just wanted to fall asleep. But the entire way home I was ranting to myself in the car about, what it feels like now, so many stupid things and I fear that I am getting caught up in something that I never wanted to get caught up in. Basically it's trying to live my life through other people. I see all these attractive younger people, not that I'm old at 30, and I feel that the gap between us is larger than it was when I was their age looking at people older than I was. That sounds really simple and there is more to it than that but I don't think I know how to express this. In a way I guess I just want to do everything. I want to talk to everyone and hang out with everyone and I don't have the ability to do that. I was really good there for a bit trying to accept me for me and I seem to have fallen back a bit on that and I hate it. I see people more attractive than me and I want them, not thats all that odd, but they don't want me. Again not that that's odd at all and that is something that I can deal with but I noticed last night that I was upset at a friend, upset is not even close to being the right word cause I wasn't upset with him I was upset with me, because he didn't come back to my house. Now that sounds way more fucked up than I think it is. Give me a sec. Now the setup is that he lives far from the club and it was too late to take him all the way back to his house so he was gonna crash at my house and I'd drop him at the metro the next morning. It was that simple. Now sure I wanted him to spend the night but I didn't want sex, I just wanted to have someone next to me to feel comfortable with. Fuck me, the more I read this I can't help but see how fucking psychotic am I? People won't believe me when I say that sex was not something I was after, but it wasn't. But this also goes back to a 'issue' someone had with an impression they thought I was giving which was that I was only friends with someone because they were cute. I was stunned and nothing could be farther from the truth. You could be Brad Pitt and if you have nothing to say, I'm not going to talk to you. The same goes for my friend, I really enjoy his company, I think we are similar people in many ways and I like talking and hanging out with him and he just happens to be attractive. Alright, enough of that. I'm tired of thinking. I also seem to be spending more of my time watching. I don't like that. I do sometimes but when watching and not doing is taking up more of the time, then something is wrong. Maybe I need to get my camera and take pictures of everything, maybe its a sign. Last night at Alchemy they had The Baltimore Calefaction Society do a show. I had never seen them before and they were amazing. But I was entranced by the spinning fire, the shirtless boy spinning the fire, the smile on the girl's face as she was spinning, all my friends who were there, the punk boy with the blond 'hawk, the woman with the HUGE breasts, Mike's hands, Jay counting money behind the bad, the people sitting in the chairs under the stairs, the intensity on the DJ's face, the other bored bartender leaning on the bar staring and this girl, a girl on the dance floor with this amazing head piece, Nadra's eyes, arg, everything. Not that I want to take these people's parts and stick them in jars but there are so many beautiful things about most people. Dont get me wrong, there were a whole slew of people I wouldn't fuck with the pope's dick but the majority of people have some really nice qualities. Maybe I'm just horny. No, I don't think it's as easy as that. Who knows, but it feels so odd to describe this because you have to be there to see the way the guy in line at the door's beard was coming in and the shape of his face in the light of the ticket counter was beautiful. Ok I sound even more stupid now.

The plays are going well. Valentine's Day sucked mother fucking ass. I'm bored.

February 7, 2002The first leg of the Ellipsis world tour is over. Okay well a tour of the DC Metro area but it feels like the world sometimes. The first three dates were at a bar called Metro Cafe in DC. Its a really cool club that has bands all the time and a small 10 x 12 stage that we used. Overall I think that everything worked out really well. I would have liked to see more of a crowd on the Monday and Wednesday shows as we had a packed house for the Tuesday show. And what a great crowd they were. The reacted to pretty much every line of dialogue. It was so awesome. There is one point where I talk about what's going on on Earth, since me being in hell gets to look back at earth and see what's going on, and I could hear these people comment about what kind of an asshole my character is. It was great. That was the best night, even though we messed up a few lines it was still the show that made you feel really good about everything. Last night, the last night at Metro was, as I said, okay. There were problems with energy and the curtain call but over all it was still a good show.

The sucky thing is that my grandfather's brother died over the weekend and that put a huge damper on my emotions at the beginning of the play. Marlin was such a sweet man and always smiling and cheerful. I last saw him when he and my grandfather came to my brothers house for a birthday party late last year. He was looking kinda shaky there in the physical sense but he mind was as sharp and beautiful as ever. So the funeral was yesterday and the whole thing hit me so much harder than I thought it would. It was also my first full funeral with the casket in the church and then going to the cemetery and having a service there. It was hard. If there was a good thing out of all of it, it was that the whole family got together again. We last all met at the family reunion three years ago this June. That was when I met my cousins and other various family that I had heard about but never really talked to. So we all made an agreement that we were all going to get together under better circumstances in the near future. God Bless You Marlin.

February 5, 2002 Well, the first night of Ellipsis is out of the way. Overall I think it went okay. There were more mistakes with dialogue and cutting people off than I would have wanted but everyone I have talked to says that I am being overly critical and since I can't seem to remember what actually happened on stage, I have to take their word for it. And I am really glad that this is the second night cause I was a total wreck yesterday, I could hardly eat, do anything cause I was in such a state for the time to start. But all is done and now I am hungry as hell and more excited than scared for the thing to begin again tonight. That and just to be onstage is so much fun. Sure it's nerve wracking but there were moments when I was speaking and noticing that everyone is listening to me and everything I said. It was really cool. I love being up there. But man the show is tiring. I was so pooped after last night that I almost fell asleep on the Metro on the way home.

In other news, my friend DJ came doen this weekend with his new boyfriend and we all hung out and had a good time. They were in the way too cute stage so it was a little tough at times to be with them so they are so damn cute together but I just love seeing DJ, there is no one that makes me laugh like he does. And Darrick is totally charming and nice and cute and he and I seemed to hit it off as friends. Check out DJ's website for more information about him.